No book. No relationship coach. No psychologist could ever explain it. Everything I tried failed. It left me feeling powerless.
Maybe my mistake was loving the person I believed he could become instead of accepting the person he actually was.
I loved him with every part of me.
Everyone around me questioned him, but I always defended him. Then he would disappoint me again.
Every time he made a promise, I found myself asking, Will he keep it this time? Or will he fail me once again? And when he did, I would make excuses for him. I convinced myself he was simply too weak, too wounded, too broken to become the person he wanted to be. I loved him not for what he did, but for believing he was trying.
I always told myself he would change.
I waited for that change.
I hoped for that change.
Eventually, I became desperate for it.
Because, honestly, it felt like I had no other choice. I couldn’t imagine leaving him, yet I couldn’t fully accept him as he was. The only future I could picture was one where he finally became the person I believed he could be.
When someone comes from difficult circumstances, you don’t just fall in love with who they are. Sometimes, you fall in love with their potential. You fall in love with the life they could have if only someone believed in them enough.
You see them as a victim. You convince yourself that if you love them harder, support them longer, and sacrifice enough, they will become stronger. I lived in that contradiction for a very long time. I was disappointed, yet hopeful. Heartbroken, yet supportive. Angry, yet deeply in love. I had never experienced a relationship like that.
I chose to be the hero in my story. A hero who would do anything for the people they loved. Ironically, that choice made me the weakest character in my own life. But what was so wrong about choosing love? I chose courage. I chose to give.
Helping others has always been where I found meaning and purpose. After all, what are we without the people we love? If we don’t stand beside them in their darkest moments, why are we here at all?
Then one day, I did something I never expected. I left. It wasn’t a carefully planned decision. I don’t even remember when I truly made it. One day I simply found myself packing my suitcase and walking away.Or at least I thought I did. Because deep inside, there was a quiet voice whispering: “You’re not really leaving. I’m in your mind. I’m in your heart. I’ll be with you wherever you go.”
A small part of me was excited. I thought I was beginning a new chapter. Instead, something unexpected happened.
I began having panic attacks. It was as if my body was expressing emotions that my mind couldn’t understand. Imagine uprooting a tree that has spent years growing in one place. You carefully plant it somewhere new, hoping it will thrive. Instead, its leaves begin to fall. Its roots struggle. It refuses to grow.
That image barely captures what I felt. What I experienced was even deeper. I thought I was being dramatic. I thought everyone who left a toxic relationship simply moved on. I wondered how anyone could survive loving something that constantly hurt them. Maybe those who left had simply forgotten how difficult it really was.
As I said, I wanted to be the hero of this story. But beside him, I never could be. I was weak. And I failed.
To this day, I still don’t fully understand why I turned around and went back. Yes… I went back.
But this time, it wasn’t a battle between my mind and my heart. It was my soul. My soul simply could not leave him. And that was the moment I understood something I had never understood before…
If you’ve read this far, you probably think I’m describing a controlling person. Someone manipulative. Someone impossible to escape. But what if I told you that despite all the pain, this relationship also gave me something I could never find anywhere else? It gave me a place that felt like home. It gave my life meaning. It gave my soul somewhere it belonged.
No, there is no man. I am talking about my relationship with Lebanon.
No book. No relationship coach. No psychologist. No one could ever explain this kind of relationship. How can you explain loving something that disappoints you over and over again? How do you explain wanting to leave with every part of your mind, while every part of your soul keeps pulling you back?
Maybe now I finally have my answer.
Lebanon is not always good for my career. It is not always good for my peace. It is not always good for my future.
But somehow… Lebanon is good for my soul. And this is why I will keep choosing him over and over.
